Yesterday, I posted on Facebook a meme image that said, “Too often, we assume the worst about the intentions of others. Let’s change that.”
I believe that message is important because we usually have little or no sense of the circumstances surrounding another person, especially a stranger, when we interact with them. There are a number of factors that influence how people act and react–and most of them, we can’t see in the moment we are interacting with them.
If people act according to the social norms of the society we are part of, we assume everything is okay and we may treat them decently. But when something that the other person does seems at odds with our social norms, we tend to feel some dissonance, a feeling that something is wrong. Too often we may feel defensive rather than accepting. That defensiveness often leads us to view the person’s behavior as some sort of personal attack. We might label them as rude, stupid, an a hole, or worse things.
But in most cases, I believe, our labels and negative reactions are unwarranted. Most people are trying to live their lives the best they can with the conditions and resources they have. That includes intellectual and emotional resources. It also includes their past experiences, their upbringing, even genetic or biological factors. These are things that we can’t readily perceive, but they can have significant effects on people. We also can’t see what current stresses may be weighing them down. Or perhaps they are recovering from a recent bad experience. We can’t see that either. Unless we know the person well, we only see the behavior or action displayed in front of us. We don’t know or understand the various factors that contributed to it.
Another thing that often causes us to view others worse than they are is that we naturally seem to equate the behavior with the whole person. But that isn’t a valid way to look at people. When I do something wrong, that doesn’t mean that is what I am. If a person robs someone else, they may be “the robber” of that particular police case, but that doesn’t make their personal identity “robber.” When someone treats us badly, perhaps the behavior was hurtful to us, but that doesn’t make that person “a jerk.” Most of the time that same person could be a friendly and caring individual.
So to change our reactions to others’ negative behaviors, I believe we need to first recognize that we don’t have all knowledge and we’re not always in the right; second, remember that many things contribute to a person’s behavior, even things beyond their control; and third, we need to focus our reactions on the behavior, not the person as a whole.
Another important point: I believe we always have the right to defend ourselves, but that’s not the same as getting back at someone or hating them.
If you have any comments, especially if you come up with other ways to help us improve our mindsets about other people, e-mail me at:
comments@lightwardbound.orgLet’s stay lightward bound,
Emil