I imagine that most people reading this have heard the often-cited statistic that about 50% of marriages end in divorce. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, about a third of all Americans age 20 or older have been divorced at some time (“Number, Timing, and Duration of Marriages and Divorces: 2016”). That number is based on total population, age 20 and up, whether or not they have ever married (2014 data). These statistics are two different ways of looking at divorce, but regardless which one we look at, it’s an unpleasant statistic. It paints a picture of millions of people who fall in love and have hopes for a happy life with a special someone, but for at least a third of them, that hope dies and they divorce.
Shouldn’t it be possible for almost all people who marry to keep the joy and love alive that can contribute to their happiness and a lifelong marriage? The contributors to divorce are most likely elements of darkness; I believe that bringing light into a marriage will strengthen it and create better conditions for both spouses.
Individually, we can only control ourselves, how we act and how we respond to daily life within the marriage. For Lightward Bound, on the other hand, the long-term goal is to work for broad cultural changes that would lead to improvements in how we treat all people, which would also benefit married couples. In the meantime, we can each make individual efforts to improve our relationships. These individual improvements are actually what can contribute to improvements throughout our culture, when enough people make those changes.
There are some obvious personal actions that we can take to improve relationships, particularly with our spouse. Often pride can get in the way, when we feel that we are right and our spouse is the one who “needs to change” or “do better” or “apologize.” But we can easily overlook our own actions that may have contributed to our spouse’s reactions. We mustn’t let this pride, or this ignoring our own faults, damage a special relationship. We need to be humble enough to acknowledge that we may have contributed in some way to whatever challenge or conflict may have developed between ourselves and our spouse. We need to say “I’m sorry” for our part, whether or not our spouse has apologized.
A very important part of bringing light into a relationship is good communication. The darkness of isolation grows when people don’t communicate essential information to each other. That includes helping the other person know you care and that you are on their side, even when you disagree on some things. Communicating love is probably the most important message to get across. Then other essential messages can get through more clearly and more easily, even if they’re about difficult things.
Years ago, Stephen Covey wrote about seven habits that he attributed to highly effective people. One of those habits was to “seek first to understand, then to be understood” (Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People). I would say that seeking to understand should be one of our highest priorities in communicating with others. Too often, we want to communicate to make our own points, with little interest in understanding a differing viewpoint. But showing an interest in what the other person has to say demonstrates some aspect of love and respect. It also can help you understand the situation more clearly so that together you can work out a solution. On the other hand, not taking the time to understand the other person will most likely lead to misunderstandings, hurts, frustration, or some other situation that doesn’t help the relationship.
An additional point that I want to make is that a good relationship should allow each person to have a say in what is going on. One person shouldn’t be as a dictator, demanding and forcing the other person to do as they say. Coercion is darkness. Even with children there should be some room for or consideration of their feelings, opinions, weaknesses, etc.
It’s very important to be quick to recognize when our relationships are being strained and do our best to resolve the things straining them. Otherwise, communication can start to break down, along with the rise of other relationship challenges. Make the relationship a high enough priority that you actually look for what you can do to improve how you interact with the other person and get any necessary help. There are many resources to help learn more about relationships, including online sources, books, magazines, marriage counselors, etc.
Relationships with other people are so important for our own well-being and for America’s well-being. Let’s not be the reason a valuable relationship dies. Instead, let’s be a source of light in every relationship we are in.