Human relationships are important because they affect us all. We are all part of relationships with other people. These relationships can lift us up and make us feel good, which brings light into our lives. Sometimes relationships can also drag us down and hurt us. Since we all want to feel good, we should do our best to make relationships work well for everyone involved, so others feel good, like we want to feel. Our relationships should never be only about making ourselves feel good, but should be a source of something good for everyone involved.
While I don’t see myself as an expert in human relationships, I have had enough experience with relationships to have learned a few things about them.
It seems obvious that a relationship exists any time we interact with another person. It may be an insignificant and superficial relationship if the interaction is very brief and not likely to happen again. Or it can be a very special, deep relationship that lasts for many years. But it may also be reasonable to extend the idea of relationships to all people on the earth as having a relationship with us. I say this because whether or not we know the person, even if we can’t see them, there is some sort of indirect connection or link to every other person on the earth. We all descend from a common ancestor and we interact with people who interact with others in a chain that eventually extends to each other person. These interactions include personal and business interactions. We are all interconnected in some way. We don’t have any significant control of these indirect interactions, though. We do have a lot of control and influence with our direct interactions, so my goal with this post is to talk about ways to improve our direct interactions and relationships with people.
Some things that can strengthen relationships:
Communication: Communication itself is not light or darkness, but is a tool that can be used to convey light or darkness. To enhance relationships, choose to communicate to improve understanding, inform and guide, express appreciation, increase closeness, and so on. We remain isolated until we communicate in some way, whether through words, gestures, etc.
Loyalty: I feel there is too much evidence in our society of a lack of loyalty in our relationships. Loyalty means that we won’t go behind someone’s back to cause them harm. We will always be a support in some way, even if the other person hurts us. In cases of being hurt, we might back away to preserve ourselves, but we wouldn’t run off to tell others how bad so and so is or try to get back at the person. Lack of loyalty is evident when spouses who once loved each other decide to divorce and then take hurtful actions against each other, just for spite. We always have a right to defend and protect ourselves, but beyond that, there is no justification to hurt someone or turn against them because of their human weaknesses.
Truth, honesty, integrity: These attributes give others confidence in us. They help others to feel they can trust us. Trust is an important part of a good relationship. (It’s important to note that honesty and truth aren’t about naming others people’s faults. Our caring and concern for the well-being of the other person should override any feelings that we need to point out their flaws.)
Awareness and responsiveness: It’s important to be aware of the other person’s reactions and apparent moods or feelings when interacting with them. If it seems we are causing negative feelings to arise, we should usually back off or change our approach. Arrogance and selfishness would lead us to continue with the same approach when things seem to be escalating. We should never assume that the other person’s point of view can’t be right, particularly because it’s hard to see every angle and hard for us to see when we are wrong ourselves.
Gentleness and balance: A good relationship needs a healthy balance between gentleness and necessary firmness or directness. This is especially true when one person has authority over the other (e.g. a parent with a child, a boss with an employee). It’s probably usually best to let gentleness be the priority.
Affection: Appropriate affection helps people feel accepted and cared about. It can be a significant expression of caring. What’s appropriate mostly depends on the relationship.
Love: The word “love” has been used in different ways over the years, so I know it’s somewhat ambiguous to just say that love will help a relationship. What I am describing with the word is caring about other people, being willing to help them, looking for the good in them, being willing to forgive, etc. This idea of loving people could probably include all of the other items listed above, too.
Along with things to do to strengthen relationships, there are also things to avoid:
Coercion: Forcing others to do what we say leads to negative feelings and can often contribute to problems for the person being forced. Coercion has no place in the day-to-day interactions we have with others (whether at work, school, or home). Any relationship that involves coercion will be unbalanced, with one person taking what they want while the other person receives much less.
Deception/manipulation/using: No one likes to be deceived or used. Let’s don’t be guilty of being a deceiver, people user, or manipulator. This kind of behavior is a lot like coercion because it is usually an attempt to get someone to do what we want, against their will (if they knew what was really happening).
Hurtful communication: Communicating solely to hurt, degrade, or put down another person is darkness and has no useful place in society. At times it may be necessary to enlighten someone about wrongdoings, but the major purpose should be for improvement, not to hurt someone or their reputation etc.
Intimidation: Sometimes a person may feel intimidated by another person, though it isn’t intentional. If we get the sense that someone feels intimidated by us, we should make some kind of effort to reduce that sort of feeling. But even more, we should avoid intentionally acting in ways that intimidate others. This may include yelling, threatening, swearing, and other harsh actions and attitudes.
Crossing boundaries: When we cross legal or moral boundaries, it will often lead to someone getting hurt in some way. Crossing someone else’s personal boundaries can upset them or create other challenges for them.
Assuming: Avoid assuming too much. If someone takes too long to respond to your text, don’t assume they don’t care; people may have any of a list of reasons why they do or don’t do something. If we act on assumptions we can easily be led down the wrong path (including a path that destroys a relationship).
Listing faults: Overwhelming others with lists of what you think is wrong with them isn’t likely to build a relationship. There may times that we need to correct someone (mainly if we are in authority over them). If correction is needed, choose one or two priorities to work on with them; don’t dump it all on them at once.
If we really want a world that works for all of us, we need to build unity in our relationships with other people. Let’s strive to bring light into every relationship that we are part of.